Brosquad Christmas Letter

Wowsers. 2009 has been quite a year for the bro squad. There were triumphs, laughs, tears, innuendo, deception, trickery, outrage, treason, attempted murder, hugs, and smiles. Here's a little update on how the gangs been doing.

A handful of us graduated! I know, we were as surprised as you. Papa Jeff studied hard and rocked his way through his final semester and locked down gainful employment! His future's looking bright! There is a bad omen though. My psychic told me that only two of the Berens triplets will become successful. No surprise right? Well, bad news is that one of them is Aaron.

Aunt Rhonda graduated too! Her last minute "bargaining" with her Genetics TA paid off. We're so proud of her. If she plays her cards right maybe the other unemployed college grads, Roman and I, can hook her up with a position with us flipping burgers.

Little Timmy has impressed us all again this year. Somehow, despite all odds, hes still a freshman, despite not being a freshman. Uncle Dustin couldn't even pull that off more than 3 years.

Kips Wells is awesome. That's all there is to say him.

Bennett and Josh are doing well. No holes punched in the walls of their new place. Yet. Plus only a few more years of living together and they'll earn that common law marriage they've been waiting for.

Speaking of gay, our Hilbig turned out to be straight. Go figure. AND hes got a girlfriend! Right? Is that what you would call that thing that happened in that bathroom in Old Town? Its hard to tell anymore. That's what you get when you're raised by Uncle Dustin. Oh Uncle Dustin. He told me I had a pretty mouth the other day. I asked him to stop licking his fingers. God has blessed us with Dustin's health this year this year. The tumor in his left tit turned out to be benign. Good thing, I don't know how I could have made it with out that tit, I mean Uncle Dustin.

We weren't quite so lucky with Keith. His right hand is still in a cast. Lucky for us that lends itself to a number of crude jokes about his ability to pleasure himself. So in the end it wasn't such a bad thing. In a piece of good news the adoption of Carlos into the brosquad went through. Some people were upset at this. These people are known as racists. We are so happy to have out little bundle of joy as part of our family.

As for me I'm doing fine. No more job, I've been hitting the bottle, moved back home, picked up cocaine; you know, whatever.

That about wraps it up for us. I hope your holidays are filled with warmth and joy for better reasons than mine are. Take that how you will. Merry Christmas!

Twas the night after finals

Twas the night before finals
and all through the land
Everyone was grooving hand in hand
The jager was poured on the table care
In hopes that bri, sam, and maddie would soon be there
Loaded questions, Kings cup, and Beer pong was played
In hopes that someone that night would soon get laid
Beer will be flowing from cans and kegs
If only Timmy was here to chuck some eggs
garth brroks was sung loud and proud
Friends in low places has a way of doing that to a crowd
Shots were taken with quick and great haste
In hopes that my buzz will not soon go to waste
Will and Arriane arrived two hours late
How old is that guy Nikki? Is he jailbait?
Dustin was running the beer pong table quite well
Goodbye organic chemistry and your sweet sweet hell
Jay and I lit sticks and leaves in the back
C'mon Jeff lets take a shot!
What taste better at Christmas then Jack!
Did we fail our classes? We cannot know.
For tonight we drink! Take a shot bro!

-For all those who have taken finals.

The Turkey day Challenge.....

Tis that time of the year when grabbing breast and thighs in a crowded room will not get you slapped, and when spreading legs and stuffing in the kitchen of your parents house is a common happening. However, more important it is that single solid week that you are given a reprieve from your academic duties of waking up for 8 am and trying to suck down as much caffeine as possible with one hand, while trying to write your all but to important notes with the other. At the same tiem you are cooped up in the worlds smallest desk. But i am getting away from the main point of this blog that even though you are given a "get out of jail free" card i am still assigning homework for the week, but no worries this is not your typical turn your mind to a gelatinous blob, forcing you to watch a VH1 reality show to make sense of the world type of homework. No, this is the "Thanksgiving Break challenge list." A list so legendary it can only be made up on the spot at 12:37 am on thursday night. The Challenge is a call to all those that are not just satisfied with having an okay week to themselves, but a calling to take Thanksgiving Break by the metaphorical gibblets and wrangle it into a time that will be spoken of for weeks to come. (at least until the Krazy Kwanza Challenge in december)
And here it is....

1. Invent a thanksgiving day shot using none other than "wild turkey"
2. Beat up a younger sibling preferably after drinking said shot.
3. make at least 20 disguised sexual references while helping to make thanksgiving dinner or before dinner.
4. Use the word cornucopia aka "horn of plenty" in modern day vernacular
5. You must find an ex boyfriend/girlfriend and get them to use the word "Gobble" any context works
6. Play a family board game while secretly taking swigs from a flask under the table
7. Wish Jay H a happy birthday at some random time throughout break (landhorsing is an acceptable method)
   
8. Drunk dial Jay H during thanksgiving break for his bday
9. If you happen to be anywhere near an agricultural area you are to take a shot of wild turkey while slapping a live turkey (be careful they bite)
10. Hangout with old friends while creating new grown up ways for you and them to get in trouble
11. Organize a tackle football game with friends that are super competitive and mumble profanities under their breath
12. Watch the Denver Broncos make Eli Manning cry, while being thankful that Jay Cutler now plays for the Bears
13. Antagonize people standing in long lines outside stores on black friday causing them to get out of line and hence, lose their place in line
14. On wednesday the 26th you must facebook Tim Lorenz a happy birthday and your thanksgiving shot creations and he will try all of them that week.
    
15. Take part in getting Bennet H drunk by any means necessary (even if you ave to beat him at call of duty to do it) for his birthday
    
16. eat so much food you feel like you are going to explode then eat more because Damn! if thanksgiving feasts aren't awesome!
17. While inebriated formulate a logical plan to become rich on a napkin and then read it to yourself in the morning if it makes sense then that means you are still drunk
    
18. finally, you are to have as much illogical fun as possible and enjoy your week of zen/football/food/beer/skiing

P.s. bonus points to those that are able to get a turkey drunk off wild turkey.

Good luck folks and may you enjoy all that this upcoming week holds.

And so it begins....

Dear Readers of the Blog,
I'm starting this blog in order to utilize my vast years of knowledge, experience as well as certain opinions that have formed throughout my life's journey. I have come to a realization recently that there have been so many questions brewing in my head that i need to get them out into the world. I have never blogged before nor do i understand its purpose or concept, however i am going to utilize this blog as a method of assessing questions from you my readers, and sharing with you those life altering epiphanies that are generated from the top of my cerebral cortex to the bottom of my beer bottle/shot glass. So feel free to ask away and i will post my answers to your questions as well as questions for you to consider.
Thanks,
Your fellow bro with the know..